Yipee!

Just got my final grades, and it looks like all that painfully hard work and excruciating stress paid off. So, to celebrate, I'm posting possibly my favorite piece of writing. I would like to dedicate it to Milady Tennille DeAutumn, she knows who she is. I would be surprised if many other people really understood it. So I'll briefly explain.
Back in the days of Colonial 501 (my old apartment) there was this infomercial on called "70s Music Explosion," starring Barry Williams (Greg Brady). After a night or two of flipping through the channels, only to find nothing else remotely entertaining, "70s Music Explosion" quickly became our favorite show. And when I say favorite, I mean we even recorded it so we could watch it when it wasn't on.
In honor of Barry and Colonial 501, I wrote this "experimental" piece (in other words, it doesn't fit into another genre). Basically, it's a stream of consciousness while I'm watching "70s Music Explosion."
And so to Barry, and to Milady Tennille DeAutumn...
Love, Your Mother Captain Delta Dawn

Night with Barry
Screaming. I can’t help myself. I’ve been waiting for weeks to see it again. I know I’m addicted, and nothings ever going to come from it, but I still can’t control myself. I pop the tape in. Sure, it’s not at the beginning, but that’s okay. I’ll always remember which tape it is. I only missed five minutes. My roommates will be proud.
Carl Douglas is a brave soul: a black man wearing a Kung Fu outfit and doing karate chops. No thank you.
And what’s up with Paper Lace? Wonderful song, but what’s with the afro and beard? Isn’t that going a little over the top?
And there’s Terry singing his heart out. This one is my favorite! “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time!”
Oh, the testimonials. None of them probably really cared about music at that time. They were still too young, but yet now they claim to love it. What kind of testimonial is that? I bet they were paid!
There’s my man! Why did Erica Shaffer get that role? It should have been me! I’m sorry I can’t be with you Barry. I know it’s hard, sweetheart, but the show must go on. Way to be brave!
Nice glasses, Elton. And that crock’s really rockin’. Obviously real…NOT!
“Rock me gently, rock me slowly, take it easy don’t you know.” Andy Kim would be handsome if he didn’t resemble a wolverine.
“Beach baby beach baby give me your hand. Give me something that I can remember.” I’ll never forget you, First Class.
Barry, way to stick it to the man. You’re doing wonderfully.
Of course Cher would be there. “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.” Is she singing about herself for trying to steal my poor Barry’s heart?
“She’s a lady.” I don’t think you’re talking about Cher, are you Tom? You can do better than that!
“Bad (bad) blood (blood).” That would be awesome to be known as “Neil Sedaka’s echo.” Did he get paid a lot to do that? He should have. That’s what makes the whole thing worth it.
Why is their name Blue Swede anyway? He’s wearing a dorky leather cape! But all is forgiven. He’s just “hooked on a feeling. I’m high on believing that you’re in love with me!” That song’s dedicated from me to you, Barry!
“In 1976 we all got out on the dance floor and started to shake, shake, shake with KC and the Sunshine Band.”
One of the best songs ever. “Shake shake shake. Shake shake shake. Shake your booty! Shake your booty!”
“You sexy thing…” That one’s definitely for Barry.
“Delta Dawn what’s that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?” How the heck does Helen move her torso like that? NICE TORSO! I wish I could dance like that. I would definitely be cool if I looked like her.
I didn’t even know “Rock and Roll Heaven” was on here because we’re always laughing too hard at Helen. Good to know.
Why does Harry Chapin always look so scary? He must have been some kind of demented person. But “Cat’s in the Cradle” is a classic, so I’ll forgive him. I can’t think of Harry Chapin without thinking of Dad listening to his Harry Chapin CDs over and over and over and over and over…I don’t know if I have enough over’s in there.
Carly, I love your song, especially since it reminds me so much of “How to Lose a Guy…” which reminds me of Matthew. But don’t worry Barry. I’ll always love you. No man can ever come between us.
What’s up with the tight yellow pants and Hawaiian shirt? I can get over the shirt, but you’re a full-grown man! You’re not a yellow pants kind of guy!
I think Michael Murphey spends more time doing his hair than I do. How does he get that shoulder-length hair to curl under so well? How does he make it stay?
“I love that song.” You would Erica…trying to steal my man! The nerve!
“Sky High” is a good one, but I think Jigsaw could do with a new wardrobe.
“That’s the night that the lights went out in Georgia.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was Carrie Fisher. But she’s not. And Reba’s rendition is so much better. This lady has some serious issues.
“Oh oh oh it’s magic, you know! Never believe it’s not so!”
“Love, love will keep us together. Think of me babe whenever.” I’m Captain, And’s Tennille, but for some reason, I always get us mixed up. I have so many nicknames it’s hard to keep them all straight!
And there’s Chicago, who’s Ashley. “Saturday in the park, I think it was the forth of July.” You were right. It was the fourth of July!
If I order now with a credit card, I get free shipping and handling. I should just go for it. I want it, but it’s just so expensive! I don’t know if I can convince everyone to go in on it with me. But if I could afford it, I would buy it in a heartbeat. I don’t have to eat the rest of the semester, right?
Terry, you’re my fave. Just thought I’d let you know. Again.
“Oh it never rains in Southern California.” Well, maybe they shouldn’t ever go to Washington, then.
Why is Catherine Buell so stuck in the 70s? And who is she anyway? She’s annoying really. No one’s ever heard of her anyway.
“We’ve gotta get right back to where we started from.”
“It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!” Those Village People sure know how to move!
“Midnight at the oasis. Sing your camel to sleep.” What kind of lyrics are those? Did someone get paid to write them?
“So many of my favorite songs came from really cute guys!”
“You make me feel like dancing! We’re gonna dance the night away! You make me feel like dancing!” Leo, you may be even more favorite than Terry! I’m sorry Terry, but Leo just has the moves! And that hair! I don’t know why Erica thinks you’re so cute, but I think you could grow on me. Not that I’d love you any less, Barry.
Alan O’Day is anything but cute. Why was he put in this category? Somebody needs to lay off the booze for a little while.
“If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into Yoga—” Whatever Rupert. Why are you singing this song if you’re wearing a sweater, button-up shirt, khakis, and nerdy glasses? How do you explain the missionary do?
“These songs really take me back. Finally, we have a collection that captures all the fun, all the excitement, and all the variety of the 70s.” Barry, I love you’re little head bob. And I’ve never seen such facial expression.
1-800-583-9950. I could call now and get the two bonus CDs. It really is a great deal, but how am I to justify it? I want to support Barry, I love the music, but I don’t know if I can fork out that much money.
“Drift Away” is classic. There should be more songs like that.
“Oh what a night! Late December back in ’63.” I wonder what happened on that night. I probably don’t want to know. If they made a movie about it, it’d probably be rated R.
“I can tell you there’s never been anything like it. I’m Barry Williams.” Enter adorable squinty-eyed smile and head bob. Turn to leave, then pivot on the right foot and gaze back into my eyes. “Enjoy the music.”
Oh, I will.